Everyone wants to be loved. It’s how we were made, who we are, what we’re meant to feel.
I used to ask people that question quite a bit about five months ago. I liked starting deep conversations. I really wanted to hear about what kept people going. Even then I was shakier in my faith than I had been in the past, but I still held very tightly to the truth I knew in God. I was able to ask people about those difficult questions because I felt like I had some grasp at the answers in my own life.
But that was five months ago and I haven’t said those words much since then. I don’t even think I could. And yet I want to know more than ever. I’m desperate to talk with someone without putting up walls and trying to act like we’re both okay. Everyone is broken; that much I still know. But we act like we’re not. I feel like I have fallen so far, but maybe this is just what it feels like to truly be apart of this world. But I don’t want to be apart of it. I am in the world, but I don’t have to be of it, right?
Well see, here’s the whole problem. I just don’t really know what to do. Because how do I reverse my removal of myself from the one and only thing that I felt was truly worth living for? The one thing that I was waking up for in the morning. The one thing that gave meaning to the mundane tasks of everyday life. I feel like I am living in a dream. Life is happening around me and the world keeps going, but I’m not really apart of it. I go through the motions of life, but they mean nothing. There is a numbness that has come over me. But without the foggy reality that I have come to know, life becomes too painful, too scary. I don’t want to open my eyes because when I do I’ll see just how far I have to go to get back to where I was.
I have been in this limbo for so long. I want nothing but to climb back up that hill, and yet I keep putting off the journey until tomorrow. But I need to live today.
Everyone, even those people who we truly love and who really love us in return, does things that hurt us. Friends can cause a lot of pain. But what happens when it’s the things that people do in love that hurt the most? What happens when it’s words of kindness that have the most sting? My sister telling me that I am beautiful just about everyday or more should have some positive affect. But instead I just feel like blonde hair and big boobs is all I am. When she points out that people are checking me out, or that guys that aren’t friendly are then nice to me, and attributes it to my above mentioned amenities, I most certainly don’t feel appreciated as a person. I feel more like a piece of ass, and that maybe sex is all I’m good for.
You should know that I consider myself a committed feminist. But when I let my insecurities take hold of me, I am so consumed that I let go of my strongest beliefs. I know that I am an intelligent and independent woman, but at all becomes quite uncertain to me in the height of my self doubt.
And I honestly don’t know how to deal with that.
I hate to sound like every other person in this country, but this is about me being honest, right? Well, I’m insecure. I know that at the heart of a lot of my insecurities is just me being too self absorbed to notice that nobody is perfect etc, etc.
But regardless of why I’m insecure, I am, and my insecurities cause me to do a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t, many concerning food. I’ve binged for weeks, I’ve starved myself for days…I’ve seen it all. But at the heart of it is just this feeling of nothing. It’s the emotionless holes that I fear most, not sadness, pain, nothing like that. It’s plain old nothingness. It’s in fear of the nothingness that I would do things that I know hurt me. It’s in fear of nothingness that I drag my nails hard across my own body. It’s that same fear of nothingness that is now causing me to, try at least, eat much less than I should.
This isn’t exactly what I thought I’d be writing about, but I think I’m discovering my motivation in this process. Is an attempt at anorexia all for attention? yes, probably. Because maybe then I’d feel something, be it shame or failure, it’d be something right? And if I really followed through, I could feel success. I’ve never felt such a strong desire to drink away a feeling, but the weird thing is, it’s not pain that I’d want to drink away. It’s this nothingness.
Instead, I just keep waiting for each day to end so that I can start the next and watch as the days turn into weeks and the weeks into months and the months into years and maybe someday it will mean something.
Okay, so I decided that I’m starting this whole blog thing over again. I initially tried to be eloquent and write as perfectly artsy and beautifully as possibly, which is of course where I made my first mistake.
Art is messy, and I’ve heard many times that beauty comes from pain and ugliness; it is out of the things we’d rather not see or mention that greatest art and beauty of this world comes.
Alright so I’m not sure exactly all of what I just said or if I said what I meant, but I am writing on. Right about now I’d say my name etc, etc, but I don’t really want anyone to know who I am seeing as this and any following posts will be insanely personal and intimate and I am only ready to share it with a complete and utter stranger, at this point anyways.
Moving on…the main reason I decided to write now, this very moment, is this: I’m depressed. Whether it’s clinical, short term, long term, stupid, serious, real, or whatever, I don’t know, but it’s this feeling that brought me here. There are so many things that I’ve kept hidden for so long that I don’t even know where to begin. I am all of a sudden allowed to be open. It’s liberating and amazing and strange. I must admit, it is a bit overwhelming. But even now, though I haven’t even shared the things I came hear to share, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Just to know that I don’t have to keep any secrets is amazing.
In fact, seeing as it’s almost midnight, I think that this is where I’ll end for now. I’ll pick up where I left of next time of course, but until then…
The following is a letter that I wrote to God roughly a year ago. I know it’s long, but I want to reflect on how God has so amazingly used this year to teach me so much and answer the prayers, concerns and disappointments I expressed here:
I must confess I am a bit confused right now. Actually, I’m a lot confused, and maybe upset too. I had a plan for college. I know I didn’t realize it completely at first; I was my usual indecisive self. But through the whole process of applying I really began to get my heart set on Williams. I tried not to, only you know how much. I don’t know why I am the way I am; I always try so hard to make myself prepared for the worst and for rejection, but deep down, or not so deep, I have utter confidence in myself. I hardly seem to have a doubt that I could get into all of my schools. I just wish you could help me in having less confidence. It was just so painful opening those letters, one after the other, and then hoping with all of my heart that that online decision would brighten everything, but of course it didn’t. And then the next morning comes with just one more no. I try not to think about it but even now I just fantasize of being able to tell Nathan that I got into his alma mater. Mommy said that maybe that’s just not where you wanted me to go. Sarah knew that if I gotten into Williams I would have gone and that’s why I had to be rejected. Hearing that made my spirits rise a bit. I felt that they were right and the best thing to do was to just look at the options I did have. So we booked the flights to Boston and Chicago. When I first saw Boston University’s campus I was just broken. I wanted to cry. I thought for certain I would wait and hope to get off the waitlist elsewhere. I asked you God, to give me something, some sort of sign, at the open house on Monday so I could know if that was where I should be. Oh God, I can’t keep the tears from falling. I went to that Bible study and felt so at home that in my head I committed myself to BU. I was ecstatic about finally feeling like I had a sense of direction. But I got home on Tuesday and when Daddy asked me what I liked about BU I didn’t know what to say. I don’t even know why I still like it. And then I come to Wheaton and I love the campus; the size is exactly what I wanted. I just can’t see myself being at such a Christian school for the next four years. I’m angry because you closed the door on paths I was ready and excited to take. And now it feels like there’s a fork in the road but you’re not helping me know where to go. I don’t know so I want to listen to people who I think would know. But I can’t do that because hearing Mommy is too hard. I don’t think that I can just listen to Mommy’s opinions. I told Hannah about everything and she said that maybe there isn’t a right choice between the two, which scares me even more. Maybe it wasn’t that I wasn’t supposed to get into Williams, or Middlebury, or Bowdoin. Maybe it was purely that I wasn’t good enough. If I had tried harder I could have. That’s the way the system works anyways I guess. So do you even have a plan for me at this point? I thought writing all this down would help me feel some sort of clarity but I’m just getting more confused and angry and hurt. I don’t understand this at all. I need to hear something from you God! And I can’t hear it from Mommy in her quiet time. I need you to tell me. I don’t understand why I’m still holding on to BU. I don’t know if I should be writing those letters to Haverford and Colby. Please, please God. “
It is so humbling hearing my plea from a year ago and seeing now just how God answered my prayers. I am awestruck at His love for me. Here I am, in the last two weeks of my freshman year at BU, and I can look back at the year and see so clearly how God used BU to truly change my life. It is a blessing to look back at the beginning of the year, (getting caught drinking and having to pay a fine, feeling like a failure and having a panic attack because I went out drinking again after that), and see how God has used painful times to really just show me how much He loves me. I have come to understand more than ever before that God’s love really does cover all, (like everything). I have a desire in me, that only grows stronger with time, to love God and live solely for him. And I really do want to share this with everyone, not so I can look like a good Christian, not because it’s what I’m supposed to do, but because I know that God is more amazing that I could ever know and He has brought such joy to my life and I want that for each and every person on this earth. I want everyone to know that there is more to this life. I don’t want anyone to live in fear of death and the mystery of what comes next, but I pray that everyone might know the One who holds tomorrow and live in joyful expectation of that glorious day in which He will call his children home. My heart beats fast just thinking of the eternity we will spend in God’s presence, forever praising Him.
Of course I still have my days, many days, in which I want simply to live for myself. I have days where I wish I had gotten into Williams, mostly just so I could wear that prestigious title. But God always brings me back to Him and reminds me once again of all that He has given me. I have met the most wonderful people at BU that have challenged me and taught me so much in the past year. I can’t imagine who I would be without knowing the people I know here. I love you all, and God loves you even more.
I am the ultimate champion, hero, queen…of procrastination.
I know that sometimes it’s not a big deal and I get over it and slide by getting things mostly done. But I just feel like that’s not enough anymore.
I am a child of God; He loves me, and I love Him. And that is incredible. Because of that love and the knowledge that there really is more to this life, I am able to live beyond just grades. However, I still believe that everything I do is be a testament to God. And if I only try half-heartedly in school and give teachers only the minimal effort, what kind of testimony to God am I giving? I should praise God in everything, even homework. But it is incredibly challenging.
Last night was incredibly bad. I spent hours doing nothing but daydreaming, and about a boy no less. So not only did I go against God’s desire for me to do my best with what he’s given (in not being faithful in my homework), but I also feel that I have taken plans for the future in my open hands my creating and indulging in a daydream. Can I not trust my future to the one who holds tomorrow? I need to remember to live in the present.
And without further ado, my studies call.
In a conversation of spirituality and my faith, one of my non-christian friends asked me why I had never tried to convince her of anything, in terms of God and Jesus. I have been pondering this question for the past twelve hours and I think I’ve finally come upon an answer for such a inquiry. I cannot convince her or anyone to believe in God. I can share all that I know of him and tell you the light that God has been in my life and just how I could not possibly live without him. But I cannot convince you to believe. God is not a theory to be backed with proof. He is not something to prove true. He is true and all we must do is have faith. I cannot possibly convince you to have faith in a God that is much to great and wonderful for human comprehension. I can only tell you that he loves you, so very, very much.
The sunrise. it’s kind of incredible. Here you are, surrounded in darkness one minute, and the next, you look down and…you can see your fingers again. You look out the window and there, stretching across the entire horizon, is a brilliant mix of reds and oranges and yellows. It’s absolutely amazing…and beautiful. And in that moment, you can stop your life and just live. You forget about the craziness in everyday and remember the beauty of the beginning. But then, before you know it, the sun has risen and you have to keep going. By the time the sun has reached it’s highest point in the sky, you have forgotten that beginning. You are so busy with everything your day holds, and you wonder, maybe…maybe it was all a dream…maybe you never really saw the sunrise, and maybe you’ve been going at full speed forever. Maybe there was no beginning. You think back to that beauty that seems too wonderful to be a reality, and realize that you have a choice before you. You can forget about it. You can live like so many do, thinking that this really is all there is…that there is no end and was no beginning and life will continue in the hum drum way it does. Or, or you can think back on the brilliance of that moment and, even though it seems so distant, you believe in it and you hold on to it. And even if it was a dream and everyone else really is right, what does it matter? You have found a beauty and fulfillment that gives meaning to your life. You can live on knowing that there is something, not just to die for, but to live on for too. And before you know it, the sun begins to set. You kept believing, and you have been rewarded. And the wait that seemed eternity now seems so insignificant. You have found peace and the day is done.
I saw the sunrise.
I cling to its truth.
And I will live with the promise that it will set again.